Transcendence - Avoid and Thank Me Later

source: transcendencemovie.com

Let me begin by telling you, I did not go into the cinema expecting a glorious sci-fi that would appear in one of those Best Sci-Fis of The Decade lists. I knew previously, from the bits and bobs of movie news I've been reading, Transcendence wasn't good. But I had two hours to spare so why not? Little did I know, two hours later, I wished I'd never bought into the seemingly promising concept and potentially great acting.

While the whole concept of having a relationship with an artificial intelligence / computer taking over the world is nothing new / has been done to death, uploading subconsciousness to a computer hasn't appeared in a movie before. And it's a serious topic! So it's natural to think it's meant to be taken seriously? But after 20 minutes the film starts challenging my initial assumption.

There is nothing more to Transcendence than a boring senseless intelligent-sci-fi wannabe. The plot makes no sense and no character does what a human would do. Things happen in a certain way because the script says so. Halfway through the movie, I give up. Then I start to notice Rebecca Hall's cool outfits (which are like what I wear to work but look a million better on her) and find that I can laugh at anything if I want to:

In the scene where Bree (Kate Mara) told Max (Paul Bettany) why she started her cult:

1. Kate Mara's hair looks awful (PROOF)
2. Her roots are showing
3. Why is it so fizzy and dry?
4. She looks like Viserys Targaryen in Game of Thrones
5. She looks like a mouse
6. No, it should be monkey! Funny how she brings it up by talking about the monkey experiment
7. Wait, Paul Bettany actually looks like a monkey with the beard. Sorry I still love you, Paul

Mature, I know. Weirdo who can't stop moving and sighing throughout the movie is now also staring at me for out-weirding him. Dude, there are 80 empty seats in the house why do you have to sit right next to me?

Just as you think it can't get any worse, it gives you the third act. Simply unwatchable. It should not belong in a movie like this. It feels like a third act in a Scary Movie. (It actually reminds me of Warm Bodies but that film isn't meant to be taken seriously... or is it?)

The ending is absolutely the worst. Imagine you're writing a creative piece which is due in 5 minutes and you've just started with the resolution - you're going to write down whatever that comes to your head whether it makes sense or not. The ending of Transcendence is even worse than that because no one knows what the fuck is going on. Why do they keep firing the cannon when everything regenerates itself? Why is there a cannon in the first place? Is the computer Johnny Depp a good guy or a bad guy? WHAAAAT?


source: gifrific

Do you know why this movie is called Transcendence? Because it literally transcends pure boredom into a stew of LOLs and WTFs. But just as I like to pick out and eat all the potatoes in a pot of curry, this time I'm having the LOLs. At least I can laugh instead of mourning over the wasted $70 and valuable morning personal time.


A V O I D !!!!!!

1. If you like the concept of a brain behind a computer or an electronic brain or whatever that is (artificial intelligence of sorts?), watch Her. It's prettier, more clever, insightful and downright superior even though I don't like it. (Read: Fish and Tadpole's review)
2. If you like intelligent sci-fi movies, there are plenty of good ones out there... e.g. Inception and Source Code.
3. If you like pseudo-intelligent films just so you can sound intelligent to your pals, skip Transcendence because everyone knows how horrendous it is.
4. If you like shit movies like Transcendence, skip it still and use the money to rent Scary Movies 1 - 98439843983 on DVD instead. Or check the landfill.